Blood on Our Hands
by Crystallinee
Summary: "You're a father now," Johanna had said with her smile and her soft voice. Marissa smiled wryly in his mind. "No, Erik. You're a murderer." - After his escape with Hanna, Erik Heller realizes who he is. Fifteen years later, Marissa Weigler has a moment of regret. Angst/Hurt/Comfort. Based on the Amazon tv series Hanna.


_"__You got blood on your hands, but you don't know where it's from"  
_Jorja Smith - Blue Lights _  
_

* * *

The only woman he'd ever cared about was dead because of him.

_You're a father now,_ Johanna had said with her smile and her soft voice.

In the car she had been turned to the baby in the backseat, and it sounded like she was singing._ It's okay baby, it's okay. Mommy and Daddy are taking you away._ She had been saying something else, too, when the car had slammed into the tree trunk, and there was nothing but the shattering of the windshield, the helicopters hovering above them and the rain of bullets.

He had cradled Johanna's head in his hands, saw her blonde curls smeared red, and her unseeing eyes focused on Hanna's face. The last thing she ever saw was the one she died for.

He had to leave her; there was no time. Her body was stuck, and Marissa was closing in on them. Hanna was alive, and suddenly everything had changed. Nothing mattered in the world but her.

Later, he was sitting in a cave by a crackling fire, and the memory of Johanna's face was burned on his mind. He couldn't focus, all he saw was her eyes. He remembered her voice, her desperation when Hanna was born, and he had fallen for her. A poor twenty-three-year-old woman, who got in trouble with a man she never saw again, turned out to be his entire world. They only had those few months, but it was enough. No one could ever be like her. She had seen him, loved him, and entrusted him with something he wasn't worthy of.

Twenty-four hours earlier he had been a CIA agent who never looked back. Work was work and orders had to be obeyed, leaving behind a body count he could never own up to. Now, Hanna was entirely dependent on him. Maybe Johanna was right.

Marissa smiled wryly in his mind. _No, Erik. You're a murderer. This is on you. _

Holding Hanna in his arms, he made sure she would stay warm until he found a village where he could get her better clothes. She was wrapped in her blanket that Johanna had knitted and his jacket.

Her eyes were dark blue and so wide, looking back at him with complete calm. She had not cried once since the car crash. A thought crossed his mind before he pushed it away. Something in her code was different, but it was the reason she was still alive. He'd been so scared at first that she'd give up her breath, but she was strong.

The worst was over for now and he only had to prepare her for the rest. He would protect her until she was strong enough to survive on her own, and she would be Marissa Weigler's downfall. Her eyes calmed him, so he could push the worst thoughts away.

Erik lifted her to his chest, ignoring how strange it felt as he cradled her. He would get used to it.

"Daddy's here," he said quietly. "It's okay. You're safe."

Then, he felt tears run down his face.

x

x

Hanna looked so peaceful, curled up on her side on the hotel bed. Marissa sat in front of her, watching her face. She was so childlike, the image of innocence, but Marissa had never been fooled. Even without the predisposition for being an assassin, with Erik as a guardian she would still be.

Many times she had wondered – why _her_. Why Erik had given up his career and everything he knew for that woman, and now also his life, just to save someone who would never be a normal person, with the killer instincts coded into her genetics.

But Hanna was also a child, only fifteen years old. When this was over and she was back at the CIA, she would remain a test subject for the rest of her life, locked behind solid walls until they found a proper use for her.

Marissa watched her small form move with her steady breathing. Her shoes were still tied tightly to her feet; she was fully dressed even in her bulky jacket. It seemed as if she was prepared to get up and run for her life at any moment. Once again she wondered what happened at the airfield, what had gone wrong between her and her father for her to abandon the only person she trusted.

She would still try to look after Hanna in the ways she could, make sure she would be kept alive. Johanna's sacrifice was on Erik, not on her.

The sound of infant cries rose to the back of Marissa's mind again, and she pressed her lips tightly together.

Maybe if things had been different, if Erik had not been working for her, and they met outside of all this – and she got an honest chance to look after the girl, then - maybe. She felt it pulling her against her will, seeing Hanna like this, knowing she was truly alone in the world.

And Marissa was the reason for that.

She leaned over and gently started untying Hanna's shoelaces.

x

x

After their messy reunion at the hotel and a few days on the road, reality had to catch up. His time with her was coming to an end and they both knew it.

Giving her away was harder than anything he had ever done. A year earlier Erik would never have considered giving her up for anyone, claiming his right as her guardian, trying with all his might to prolong the time they had, their safe way of living. But he owed her this and Emil was a good man. He could give Hanna the kind of life that he never could: safe from running, safe for now.

Erik knew what it meant to do the right thing, even if it felt like he was leaving his entire being behind with her. Without her he was a shell, slowly succumbing to his wounds.

Meeting the man who was Hanna's father and leaving her with that stranger should be the least of his concerns, but Hanna wasn't happy. She was guarded, she was uncomfortable being thrown into a stranger's family with half-siblings she had never known she had. Her eyes were miserable and shadowed, but there was nothing to do but to plead with her to let him go.

He had turned the hunt on its head again, determined to complete his suicide mission. Marissa was right, always at the back of his mind with that poisonous smile. He was atoning for his sins.

When he lied to Hanna one final time, holding her in her arms and stroking her hair, he couldn't help but wonder what Johanna would say.

But Hanna wouldn't let him go. She rescued him from the very same motel room they had once brought her to. He never thought she'd be the one leading him safely out of there, shining bright with that same calm in her eyes that always got him through, a shotgun in her hand.

She was no longer the same girl who said she feared being killed, who always threw herself into his arms for reassuring and comfort. She could finally hold her own and he wished her mother could have seen her like that.

She was the one saving him and she had always been.

.

* * *

A/N: I might add to this later if inspiration strikes me. If you like it, please do let me know your thoughts, I appreciate it a lot.


End file.
